Feeling Sorry for Myself

Do you want your thyroid with one lump or two?

Two weeks ago I wrote about the season of sorrows and changes of the season, and last week I found out that I have a 3cm lump on my thyroid. This is very treatable, and I may only lose half my thyroid. Whew! So I have nothing to worry about except the biopsy next Thursday and the surgery to remove the thing. Now I am on the prayer sheet at church, but I don’t want to need prayer. Last night I realized that I have been giving God the cold-shoulder. While I heard my name coming from various groups of praying people, my own prayer concerning this lump was reluctant, petulant and blind to God’s character.

My unspoken “prayer” went something like this:

Dear God,

I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to need you to intervene here. I won’t know until the biopsy if it is cancer or not. Then I will know if this is really something I should bother you with. I don’t want to think about my own mortality. There’s no need for me to think about that yet. Only 4% of thyroid lumps are cancer and even those usually have a strong thyroid preference and stay there. I don’t want to need you this desperately.

Amen.

I sent out an email to my family and friends, telling them the news and asking for their prayers. But I don’t want to take my lump. Let them pray for me. I am going to act like a child curled up in a chair with his back to the world.. This shouldn’t be happening to me. I got many responses to my email.

From a friend I have worked with:

I hope it gives you some peace of mind to know that over 100 families and I are already lifting you and your family in prayer for healing and for peace.

From my sister (sojourning in Canada and referring to my diabetes):

We will be praying for you (and Kristina and the boys).  Hopefully everything will be as simple as possible at this point.  It's so convenient that you've gotten over your aversion to needles, eh?

I got a number from various relatives enumerating those who have had thyroid difficulties. My favorite, though, came from Nancy’s folks:

We will be praying.  Peggy had the same thing years ago and had half her thyroid removed and she is still as cute as ever.

And that’ enough to set anyone’s mind at ease. I have always wanted to be cute, and now’s my chance.

All fun aside. I want to put away my childish ways of thinking and acting toward God. In the weeks to come I want the prayer of my heart to be:

Father,

May the first response of my heart be to trust you. May I not reserve trust for “big things that I can’t handle.” All of life is filled with threats and dangers just beyond my perception. The fact that I perceive this one doesn’t change the nature of the world, increase the effects of sin, or lessen your power.

Remind me of your character for my trust is in you rather than on some finagled guarantee of health. Thank you for the rich testimony of Scripture and the generations of believers that remind me who you are. You do not change as I perceive more of the world, but sometimes I lose perspective. Remind me gently of all the things I have learned, but forgotten.

Amen

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